Chandler Muriel Bing!
by mindlessmehreen
Summary: Hey any Chandler fans out there? If so you may wanna know what young Chandler did and didn't do before he met his Friends! Read to find out about the sarcasm behind the man! Come on, read it!
1. Qualities

He didn't want to be the _funny_ one anymore. He didn't want to have to be the one who broke tense moments with witty comments. He didn't want to be the one who had to make a sarcastic comment about everything because that's what was expected off him. He didn't want to be Chandler anymore.

He'd been funny for 17 years, which was all his life. Even before he could speak, his mother told him, he was the baby in the crèche who'd make strange faces when soiling his nappy or about to gurgle. At 6 months he appeared to be trying to create his now infamous sarcasm filled expression, whenever a baby toppled over because of their exceptionally large head, or put a building block in his or her mouth or bumped into the wall, baby Chandler was there with a face that said, "Could they BE more pathetic?" and "I know! I can't believe I'm one of them either!"

He'd first discovered that he was funny aged 4, when an Indian shopkeeper had been telling his mother, Nora, what a horrible stereotype Apu from The Simpsons was off Indian retailers, and as his mother and him left the shop the man said, in a thick Indian accent, "Thank you! Please come again!" Chandler had sarcastically replied, "Yeah that Apu's a really stupid, made up man." The man behind Chandler had laughed abruptly and only increased his volume when the clueless shopkeeper said, "I know! Now please buy something or get out! Thank you!"

Little did Chandler know but the man who had laughed was actually extremely drunk and would have laughed at anything, including being told that he was going to need extensive and painful surgery on his reproductive parts, which he later did require thanks to a nasty accident with a lamp post and a dog, but that's another story. But to Chandler that laugh had been the building block for his personality, that along with his crippling self loathing. He'd loved seeing the happy expression on the man's face, not realising at that age that that expression was achieved by 6 beers consumed less than 15 minuets before, to celebrate the fact that he was the only one at his AA meeting that had managed to resist alcohol for a whole month!

As the years and the quality of Chandler's comedy timing had increased so had the laughter. Aged 7 he was the only kid in his all boys' school playground, apart from the popular boys, who wasn't being given unwanted wedgies by bullies and all because, "Chandler's funny when he's not crying."

A couple of times some new bullies that arrived at the school immediately spotted Chandler as the weak prey he was but their punch delivering hands had been stopped by fellow bullies' threats and explanations of Chandler's immunity from beatings, "Leave him man, he's ok. He's real funny. Go on, say anything and he'll make a joke 'bout it!"

Even some of his teachers were more lax with him than they were with others. When Chandler, aged 12, handed in a particularly bad piece of maths homework the teacher had called him to his desk, about to ask for an explanation but before he could speak Chandler had said, "Could my answers BE any worse? I mean I know you can't divide 56739 by 13 and get 9 but when am I gonna need that in the real world huh? "Oh Chandler you've won $56739 between you and 12 other people! Now to receive your share you must tell us correctly, how much should you receive?" Hey, if the answers not $9 then I don't wanna know!" The teacher had smiled and just told Chandler to try harder next time, they both knew he wouldn't.

It seemed the only people that didn't warm to Chandler's humour, eventually (when people first met him they wanted to flush his head in a toilet because the nervous sarcasm just would _not_ stop coming), were his parents. The more people that laughed at his jokes at school, the more his parents argued at home. Ever since his birth he'd only seen his parents argue. They never hugged or kissed each other like the parents on those sitcoms on TV. They seemed to hug and kiss other people a lot though, like the butler or the "hot mom" next door, and once Chandler had walked in on his dad trying on his mom's underwear but just laughed it off as his dad playing "dress up", he was only 5 at the time. Another time he had seen his mom drinking something out of small glasses off the pool boy's chest in their pool house. She hadn't seen 8 year old Chandler looking. At night he used to wake up crying but he never knew why.

After what seemed like aeons, his Dad, Charles decided to move out. Chandler was told this terrific (!) news while having Thanksgiving Dinner. His mom had also yelled, "Your dad would rather sleep with the house boy than with me!" Which was reason enough to need a life time of therapy but made even worse by the house boy deciding that that would be the best moment to suggestively say to 9 year old Chandler, "More turkey Mr. Chandler?" And that was when the projectile vomiting of the pumpkin pie started! From the age of 9 Thanksgiving meant nothing but hate and pain for Chandler, so he decided to boycott it in every way. That even meant not eating traditional Thanksgiving food but substituting it for fruit roll ups and macaroni and cheese instead.

He got through his parent's divorce the way any normal child would, with a carefully regimented program of denial and wetting the bed. He saw less and less of his dad who had moved to Las Vegas to perform in some sort of show, he wasn't too clear on the details and was sure that was the way he'd like it to stay. And his mother, well she had turned to writing to help her through. Writing hot, steamy erotic novels that women on planes could not live without. He just wished he could have a mom that didn't feel the need to share her work life with him. I mean he didn't want to hear two different versions of page 79 of Mistress Bitch and then be asked which was better, a page that his friends later got their hands on and used as substitute porn. Oh to have a normal mother who worked long hours and came home and ignored her child, that was his dream!

He supposed that his humour had steamed from his family life, someone had once said to him, "You use humour as a defence mechanism don't you?" He'd replied to that with some lame joke about a soldier at war firing jokes at his enemy instead of weapons. That someone, by the way, was his month long therapist, whom his mother had suggested talk to Chandler while in the middle of having sex with him.

Now in his final year at his all boys high school he discovered that being Chandler had got him no where. He was nearly 18 and still a virgin, his parents hadn't got back together as he had so desperately hopped they would and people thought he was funny in person but no one really liked his written comedy, which was what he really wanted a career in. He had no future, no idea what he wanted to do. Well that was a lie, he had one idea off what he didn't want to do, be in a dead end, boring office job making no difference at all, with people actually having no idea what he did.

And with these thoughts in mind, he sat at his desk in his bedroom, staring out of his window at a dog attacking a postal worker, wondering how to change. He decided he'd work from the outside in. Now staring in a mirror he looked at his thin, long physique and saw nothing desirable. Well he supposed that his incredibly blue eyes were sort of ok, but shadowed by his incredibly boring but unruly hair. It didn't matter what he did, he could blow dry it or use gel, but he still got this little cow licky thing at the back of his head that really bugged him. And his nose, "Come on, has there ever been a more boring nose. It might as well not be there, at least then I wouldn't have to smell Grandma's delightful little releases of gas after _everything_ she eats! Lady, if you're tooting even after eating mashed up corn, you have got a problem!" he said to himself.

There was only one thing to do, join a gym! Why could he suddenly hear really ominous music from somewhere? Oh well! He'd join the gym and go there every morning before school and soon everyone would think he was a hot stud! Well he hoped that no one at his all boys high school would think he was a hot stud, although he was pretty sure there was a rumour going around he was gay. His Aunt Muriel (how he hated that family name) had once asked him if he was going to move to San Francisco with his boyfriend once he finished school. After repeatedly insisting that he wasn't gay he said, "I only wanted to go to San Francisco for its monuments! And no by monuments I don't mean penises!" When he then asked his Aunt where she got the idea he was gay she simply replied, "I don't know, you just have that…quality about you." God he loved it when people were vague!

As he got ready for bed that night he set his alarm clock for 6 o'clock, ready for a long work out at the gym. It was only once he was half way to the gym the following morning, in his tight gym clothes, that coupled with the cold morning did nothing for his "reputation", did he realise he needed to become a member first and would not be able to work out that morning. "Why does the world feel the need to make me its butt monkey? Why?" he wondered as two female joggers running past pointed at Little Chandler and went away laughing, "Why!"


	2. Just Good Friends

Disclaimer: Hey sorry I forgot to add one of these to the last chapter but yeah unfortunately Chandler and none of the other characters featured in the brilliant T.V. series called Friends belong to me or were created by me. They are the property of Warner Bros etc. But I can still pretend that Chandler's locked in my room! And they say _I'm_ delusional! Thank you for reviewing the last chapter, if you hadn't this next one wouldn't be here. So really you're to blame for how bad it is! Enjoy!

"OK guys, so have you all got your homework assignments? No excuses Mr. Blake, I recently found out that you _don't_ have a dog so the only conclusion that I can come to about your missing work is that _you_ ate it! Just leave it on my table on your way out boys and have a nice weekend," said an English teacher in his late 20s who taught in a private, all boys high school.

"Sir?" asked a nervous 17 year old Chandler.

"Ah Mr. Bing, I was wondering when you'd come and talk to me. I'm guessing that you chose to write a comedy script instead of going for the newspaper article?" the teacher looked up from his desk and smiled. The kid in front of him was so desperate to prove his worth as a comedienne that even when he didn't have the option to write a comedy script, he had!

"Yes sir. I was just wondering when you'd be able to read it and give me some feedback."

"Eager as usual huh Bing?"

"As a beaver who's just received his drivers license and who's beaver dad has just bought him a new wooden car and he's told all his beaver pals that he'll pick them up so they can drive around making weird nibbling noises at the beaveretts who-"

"Bing you're babbling again," the teacher knew his pupils well, especially this unique specimen.

"Thank you sir," said Chandler who wouldn't have stopped talking about beavers until he was stopped.

"Well I've got a class next as you can see by the scared freshmen standing at my door not sure about whether or not to come in, but I can have it read and reviewed for you by the end of school today. Just come and pick it up from my office. Now get going Bing, those sarcastic comments aren't going to make themselves you know," with that the teacher turned to 6 freshman who were still hovering by the doorway.

"Thank you sir," and with that Chandler went off to his next class, gym. If he'd done what he promised himself he would and gone to the gym every morning then maybe he wouldn't have struck out in baseball and thrown his bat at the coach in mid swing and maybe then he wouldn't have been christened "Batless Bing" by the rest of the class. At least "Batless Bing" was better than "Skidmark" which he'd picked up at camp two summers ago, due to no fault of his own! But "Skidmark" was better still when compared to "Muriel"!

The teacher sat in his office in his lunch hour and took out his meatball sub from his bag.

"Well Bing let's see if this new ones better than 'A Turtle Without It's Shell – a story about a turtle without it's shell'! 'Just Good Friends' hmm, interesting sitcom title has a few meanings, good, but not sure about the word 'Friends' may be better as 'Pals'. Moving on…" thought the teacher as he picked up Chandler's script from his table and began to read.

**Just Good Friends**

'**Bread Tracy Aha!'**

by C.M. Bing

Scene: a small dimly lit London bar with people in their twenties sitting at small tables drinking, standing at the bar and a few dancing on circular dance floor in corner. Camera moves in to two guys in their early twenties slumped at the bar, James and Pete.

James: Then Julie ran out crying as if _I_ was a complete bastard for letting _her_ abandon _me_!

Pete: Oh grow some balls mate! It's been what, two hours? So get over it and look around you. There's some definite talent here tonight! You seen the blonde? I'd definitely make her cry. With pain! If you know what I mean! Eh? Eh?

James: Pete even the stools know what you mean. And I do not care about the "blonde", who by the way is obviously a brunette riding the wave of fashion.

Pete: Ok this is the absolute last time I'm going to ask you and whatever you tell me I'll believe. James, are you or are you not gay!

James: Oh no you have discovered my secret. Yes I'm gay. I _lurve_ men. That's why I'm devastated that my _girl_friend left me.

Pete: Oh yeah. But that doesn't explain why you don't like the blonde and how you know she's a bottle blonde. Which by the way, I a straight man don't see. All I know is she's wah-hey!

James: Well that's because I have not been madly in love with my girlfriend for nearly six months. It has all been a façade to get into your stained Calvin Klein's.

Pete: Stained!

James: I want you Pete! Right here and right now!

Pete: I knew it! All those late nights watching football. All those times you "accidentally" walked in on me in the toilet! You were trying to seduce me! You sick, sick…erm…

James: Sicko? Pervert? Satyriasis?

Pete: Yeah. Yeah. And satywho?

James: Satyriasis. It's a male nymphomaniac.

Pete: Oh a male nymphomaniac! Why didn't you just say that?

James: You don't know what that is, do you?

Pete: Not a clue.

James: It's the type of girls you like.

Pete: See now you're speaking my language, you big gay.

James: I am not gay. But if I were, I wouldn't be interested in you.

And on it went for 14 pages about the friendship of 3 guys and 3 girls and how they met in a London (!) bar to answer that age old question; are men really from Mars and women from Venus or are we all from Uranus?

"Come in," called the teacher as he heard a knock at his office door at the end of school.

"Sir, my script?" Chandler walked into the office, the length of the day showed on his face and his clothes that were creased.

"Sit down Bing," invited the teacher motioning to a seat in front of his cluttered desk.

"Oh that does not sound good! Did something happen? Did my mother call about the stuff at the back of my closet 'cos that's not mine? I'm only looking after it for someone 'cos I really like the articles in it!"

"Calm down Bing, no your mother didn't call about your porn collection. But from what my wife tells me about your mum's books you don't need to go out and buy any!" the teacher smiled then silently wondered if he had gone too far.

"Thanks sir. Now not only does my entire class know about the soft porn film that is my mother's mind but the only decent teacher in the school knows too. Woah did I say decent teacher I mean stupid teacher who I hate because you are my natural enemy!"

"Yes of course I am. Now your sitcom script, 'Just Good Friends', my first question, why London?"

"Well 'cos everyone expects a US sitcom to be set in the US and 'cos London seems so cool! They're all stiff upper lipped and ironic and they got some really cool monuments!"

"So you've been to London?"

"Nope! And I never wanna either, all those stupid tourists with their cameras and stupid novelty hats! If I wanted that I'd go to the Statue of Liberty!"

"OK! And 'Bread Tracy Aha!' that's the…"

"Episode title."

"Ah of course the episode title. Well you've really put a lot of thought into this haven't you?"

"Yeah, I've got the whole series worked out. The six friends will become closer and some will become couples after a lot of fights and "will they, won't they"s while others will remain "just good friends". I wanna show people that the battle of the sexes is all in their minds and that the two can get along!"

"Ah ha, interesting."

"You're quite "interesting" suggests that it's more of a pilot episode that never gets taken up but has a couple of kooky fans?"

"Well…"

"One kooky fan?"

"Hmm…"

"No kooky fans."

"No don't get me wrong, its very good, very funny. And I love the constant references to Josh's sexy dead Aunt Iris and I like how you've dealt with sexuality."

"I sense a big but coming on, one that doesn't belong to any of my characters."

The teacher laughed.

"Is it the girls? Are they not likeable enough? I knew it! Does Emma come off as though she has a drinking problem or Jan as if she's schizophrenic 'cos that's not intentional."

"No no the girls are fine, they're as funny as the male characters which is unusual for shows."

"Oh ok, then all the mental problems are intentional."

"It's just that you're too young."

"What? You're saying because I'm 17 I should be in a really bad "band" instead, writing songs called…"Betrayal in the Common Room"?

"No not at all. I would never wish such a horrible future on you. It's just that your youth means that you have not seen much of the world. I don't want to sound patronising, that's not going to stop me from being patronising but at least you know I don't like it, but you haven't met that many people and looked at how they live or what they're like. You have definite talent when it comes to using words, maybe a career in advertising would be good for you, but all your characters have the same slightly sarcastic sense of humour. You need to stop putting yourself into the characters and meet more people so your characters can grow and be independent and different from one another. You understand don't you Chandler?"

"Yeah I do. You're saying I've basically written myself with 5 other me's in a bar. Yeah I can see how that might not be entertaining to watch."

"Bing, like I said you have talent, no denying it and don't throw this script away, just wait until you've met some more people, got to see a few different personalities and then come back to it. OK?"

"Yeah thanks sir. I've got to go now, my mothers going out tonight and she wants me to go over her eyebrows with tweezers."

The teacher looked shocked.

"Ha ha, see that was me joking, ha ha," Chandler tried to cover up his mistake but he convinced no one.

"Yeah, funny. I'll see you on Monday then. Oh and I'm sorry about the stains on the script some of the meat fell out of my sandwich."

"No problem," said Chandler to see his teacher as he left the office and walked home, he'd never liked meat sandwiches but now he hated them and anyone who liked them! "No problem at all, it isn't like you just smeared my dreams with your frickin' sandwich and when threw them away! "Too young"! Why didn't he just say that the only things I should be writing are cheques, when I'm old enough! Oh and there's my age again, waving its youth in my youthful face!"

After Chandler got home, and after he plucked his mother's eyebrows, he threw his script to the back of his cupboard where it lay forgotten while he was away at college and where it then got packed with his things as he moved away from home and where it lay at the back of his cupboard again until in 2004 he moved away to his last home with his wife and children. Then he knew the perfect 6 people, including himself, to base his characters on.

But for now he was done with comedy, be it written or verbal. No more jokes, no more sitcom scripts, no more, even, of his "funny" faces. No more comedy stylings of C .M. Bing. He would now be known as "Chandler M. Bing - the guy formally known as funny". The one person who had had any faith in his dream, his written comedy, had basically told him that he wasn't good enough, at least that was what he heard when his teacher spoke to him. From today he would live an unfunny, straight life, despite what the rumours about his sexuality said. The funny Chandler of yesteryear was dead. Now all he had to do was convince the rest of the world and hopefully himself along the way and resist temptation to say something sarcastic. "Oh God help me!" he willed.

Its me again, I'm sorry this chapter was soooo long and not that funny but isn't hindsight brilliant! Please review!


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